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| i think i have a problem.
and i can't stop coughing.
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| going to mega sweet waffle house with my mega sweet casey. :)
it's the 4th, and i'm very pumped to go up to Olivesburg and hang out with nicknjen at nick's parents house. i haven't gone in like, 2 years so it should be a very very good time.
the weather has been very cold lately... especially for july. it's good but mostly so i can wear the flannel i bought with cody and the newaygo goodwill. YEAH!
twitter is weird. that's my thought for the moment.
the whole michael jackson thing is so weird, but it had to happen so that everyone would love him again. he is/was amazing, in every way.
i'm not really sure when the next show is. my brain is kind of all crazy right now in the brain. oh well.
welp, gotta get brunch.
:o
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| they quicken me.
since i've been off tour, summer has started. the heat and the beauty. the memories rushing back. the obsession with making new memories.
somewhere within the past week i let my guard down, and my brain has been hemorrhaging, letting people and places get back inside, but only to haunt the thin layers of skin and never fully possess...
which is where my mighty questioning begins.
there's a time, when making all life long decisions (which are few and far between) where you go crazy. where you disguise your new self as your old self, and while that happens, you create a syndrome in your heart, you mind, and your body. you feel as if the new you needs the old you to be happy.
its like, if you broke your arm as a child, and even though it healed, and your happy, you start to wonder if it healed right... so you re break it, and let your new, adult, knowledge fix it.
its a retroactive fix...
but that does nothing.
while living in a town that is nothing but a swollen, purple bruise of memory, its hard not to step on areas that bring back the right pain.
sure, there are memories of suburbs, and highschool, and basketball, and the bike trail, but when your adult life was created in said town, with someone else, it's impossible to not want.
want.
what an awful, fickle thing.
even as i say all of this, i realize how foolish, but nonetheless real, it is. i am fine now, but i'm not so ignorant to believe that in the short 3 months before i get married that i won't get "cold feet", or a over exaggerated form of nostalgia, or even worse, be faced with a real test of what kind of a man i really am.
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i walked for hours with brandon last night. it was much like the walkabout that me and tobias did, but it was much hotter, and not enough train tracks.
i'm really willing to do this more often. i think it gets all the adventure in my spirit out in one quick exhale. i would enjoy doing this with casey, but i am so unknowing, and it's hard to go into anything without a plan with her, especially when i still want to be in charge, with no effing clue of what will happen.
what i really want to do is walk the train lines at dusk. end up in a town in eastern OH, or western PA. hickhike back, or just call someone, or just walk back.
i drank cherry shnapps, and brandon had his pipe. we were like the men of the depression. nothing on our minds but finding the next town.
too many amish.
well, back to work at CD Jungle (which is another part of the insane loop that my life is).
it's actually kind of like a feedback loop on a delay.
i just got like, 73 analogies in my head for nostalgia, and memory, and pain, and all that, but i'm going to let those go. i'll say them if they make sense later.
word.
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| much has happened. i feel more alive and somehow more calm than ever. i have not reached homeostasis, but i feel close. the fever that broke is dying down, and i'm relieved. i am very thankful for my life and all of those in it. this journal is riddled with yearning and questioning and lists and successes and failures. i'm sure all of those things will continue to happen, but i feel like i'm moving in some direction instead of being shifted from side to side. God has challenged me a lot within the past 2 years. through this, He has given me more than i could ever have imagined. all of the doubt and the worries, the depression and the complete dispair, along with my feeling lost and uncomfortable in my own skin, have lead me to a place that i am truly thankful for. the new record is done, and i am working as hard as possible to make it known. i am in a wonderful relationship and i am working as hard as possible to make it last. i have a closer relationship with the Lord and i am working as hard as possible to get closer. the dispair contains a mystery. being broken contains mystery. it's like an emotional sense of being afraid of the dark. you dip yourself in it. you let it surround you. you live in this mysterious unknown. you start to moving after being afraid. your eyes adjust. you figure everything out, but it's mystery. then you find the joy. you find the songs. you find your companion. and when the lights come back on, that's when you have to work. you have to work to make sure everything is fine. you become active. the magic is real, but the working and the relating and the communicating and the pushing are how you keep those wonderous things that you stumbled upon in the dark. it's quite wonderful. | | |
| i just walked outside and saw that my entire front yard, driveway, and street were covered in snow. i am happy about this because that means i get to be a shutin tomorrow. i just discovered internet at my house, and i have a lot of work to do. also, but keyboard is busted, so normal paragraph changes are out of the question... i had taco salad tonight,a nd it made me love my family and remember my life before i graduated high schoo;. i am currently unemployed, save playing bass for john reuben, and my plans have fallen through, as per usual, to have an actual studio. i at least was able to finish carnivore. :{}/ i have lost contact with lizzie over the past week. partially me. partially her. partially the fact that my phone is unpaid and therefore shut off. i truly miss living in columbus, which is funny, cause i also hated living in columbus. the truth of it is, i hated my life there. i also don't miss the city, or the job, or the record stores and shows, but i miss my friends. i think part of me wanted my moving back to recapture something that me and lizzie have hadd and lost: a normal friendship. i am not allowed around her, except in a taboo fashion, and living in mansfield has closed more doors in our relationship than it has opened. the phoenix closed, and now i have no purpose being here at all, save not paying rent. the newest album is about how my blood flows... existential>? yes. it about my relationships with the world, and especially lizzie... well, not completely. she is many of the "you"'s but its more about my thoughts and feelings during a time where i have been nothing but confused, depressed, blessed, and remorsful. its about God more than anything i've written. it's about sex more than anything at all, which is strange. its violent and angry as much as its peaceful and full of truth and justice. again, its about blood, whether its flowing or spurting or leaking or bursting. nomatter whether contained, or where its coming from, whether its entering or leaving, its about blood adn its travells. so many spelling arrorszzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!! death to this keyboard!!! anyways, i have been trying to book shows and build my life around this album. dangerous or smart? we'll see.
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